Saturday, May 15, 2010

am i really okay? will i be perfectly okay? until when?



i had been into sleepless nights the past days.
maybe because i was really scared.
good thing that i could still control my temper...
but am i really okay?

i don't really struggle.
but few months ago,
i don't feel comfortable.
i have done lots of thinking.
from other petty but many problems
to reminding myself to take my pill
to marking my calendar of when to do what to who.

last 4 months ago, February,
i was advised for an ultrasound by my gynecologist.
the result wasn't good.
i was diagnosed to have a cyst of 7.3cm in my left adnexal.
my gynecologist gave me a 5-day pills
to make me have my period
since i didn't have had it for like almost 8 months prior to my checkup.
it might help reduce the size.

after my period, i've had my 2nd ultrasound.
i went back to my gyne and the result doesn't who good.
the size was still the same.
so i was given a medication for 3 months.
i religiously took the pills.
i was like crazy reminding myself everyday
not to forget taking the drug.

3 months was over.
i have conquered my everyday memory challenge.
i perfectly finished my 3 months medication.

yesterday, i went back to the clinic for my 3rd ultrasound.
i was happy because the left adnexal was already clear.
but another different type of cyst was seen in my right ovary.
what the heck!
i thought it's gonna be over
and here comes another one in my left ovary?
benign though but scary again....
my gyne told me it's a different one..
if before it's non-echoic,now, it's echoic.
she gave me a 10-day pills to start on the 25th
and will be back for my 4th ultrasound next month.
she said if the meds doesn't work,
it's going to be a little bit unsafe.

i just have to cross my fingers again...
and pray...
whatever His plan is, i will take it.
i won't ask Him, why me.

please help me pray....


TO THE READERS:

writing notes is my way of releasing the pressures
and tensions that i feel inside me. my way of expression.
i don't need comments that could add to what i am
feeling right now. so, if you can't say something nice,
just don't comment.

Friday, May 7, 2010

early morning thoughts




what am i doing in this dark room?
i could have been sleeping still,
wake up and prepare for work.
but why am i awake so early?
what have i been doing few hours ago?
why can't i sleep that long?
like others who can't even be awakened easily...

what i feel now?
i don't know...
it's like i am bombarded with so many thoughts...
if i only have days to live, what should i do?
will i ever see those people i wanna see?
will i ever be able to thank those people who have been a part of my life?
will i ever have the chance to thank those who prayed for me?
will i ever make it - ask pardon to those i have hurt so much?
will i ever have enough time to let some people know they've hurt me?
will i ever have the chance to see those people
that i have only met online?
will i ever have the chance to shoot in anawangin
with my fellas?
will i ever have the courage to tell few people that i care for them so much
and that i couldn't just show it?
how about spending some time alone with God?
will i ever let people see what i truly feel?
and what they see is just me, physically?
that they need to dig deeper so that
they will know who i am for real?
that i am human and has the right to get mad...
that i have a heart that is capable to love?
that i also hurt?
that there is still good in me?
that when i commit mistakes,
i asked pardon in silence?

aren't those heavy?
anyways, i don't wanna ba dramatic...
i'll try to do some of those one at a time...
while i am still capable and still have time...
life is short...

oh.. will i ever let my readers know how i feel
while writing this note?

Monday, April 19, 2010

i was happy until i found love

i speak in behalf of someone i know...

i know a lot will react on this...
but i am just a soul who feels the other way...
it's how i feel and this is my way of relief...
you might say i don't have the right to discuss love...
or you might ask what do i know about love?

in the dictionary,
love is strong positive emotion of regard and affection...
but for me love = pain...
God have loved...
isn't it painful to let your His Son suffer because He loved us?
where is that positive emotion then?
or maybe love should really be matched with pain...

years ago-
i was happy...
i was contented...
i got along with people easily...
i always smile...
i had a light heart...
i was free...
when i fell in love-
it was a disaster...
i felt pain before i have realized it was love...
funny isn't it?
it was expressed but it wasn't meant to be...
and i have realized letting go isn't that easy...
the bitterness and pain stayed for a while...
until after more than a year...

i have totally recovered...
i have realized love isn't just from someone...
then i started recognizing the love of friends and family...
i went back to enjoying life...
how nice it is to live freely?
no asking permission from someone...
no one tells you what to do...
nobody's waiting...
no worries....
i have done everything i wanted to do...

until i found love the the second time...
i started appreciating it...
i started to like the feeling of loving...
when it suddenly broke me apart...
it was a sudden...
now, it leaves me wounds...

then i told myself...
I WAS HAPPY UNTIL I FOUND LOVE...

is love really like that?
or like what a friend is saying,
i was just looking at the other side of the coin?

--------------------------
to those who love, keep loving...
to those who have love and lost it,
let go and move on...
maybe it's not yet at the right timing...
life doesn't end when love ends... :)
cheerup!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Untitled

everyone of us has a gift...
have you ever realized that?
what uncommon gift do you have?
i have always wanted to have the gift of healing...
healing some people's pains..
some people's wounds...

one day, i felt so alive!
went to work with a light heart...
i didn't expect i would be of help to someone...
see? when you feel you are light-hearted...
it's just like things are coming out of your human brain...
advices, comforting words and others...
experience not needed...
i thought i couldn't handle it...

i was doing something...
when a pregnant friend messaged me...
i never considered her as a disturbance...
rather, i took her as a challenge...

i rarely spend time with this friend of mine...
but every time we talk, it's so serious and
i just like it the way it is...
we have so much learning from each other...

she was asking me few things...
few things about the way she feels...
or why is she always wantng to be aloof...
i have a little bit idea of it though...
but i wasn't sure... i was only 60% sure...
i told her it might be because of her pregnancy...
i was talking to her about hormones...
i always visit my gynecologist...
that is why i have a little background about hormones & moods...
then i made a quick search on the internet...
i was right... though my intention is only to make her at ease...

i always felt blessed when people finds comfort in me...
i could learn from them...
even if i can't help them with solutions...
but spending time with them in bitter times...
and lending them my ears and my shoulders are enough..

it doesn't really mean
that if you don't have ideas about the problem
you can't help or comfort someone...
most of the times, they don't need words from you...
they don't need advices...
just listen to them...
hear them...
that is all they wanted...

but when they really wanted you to say something,
and you don't have any idea...
try to find comforting words...
don't add to the pain they're feeling...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Wasted Opportunity



opportunities come rarely to someone...
an opportunity knocked at my door...
but i was so busy to open at least my window
to have welcomed it...

few days ago this month,
the sidetrip magazine editor in chief sent me a flickrmail:
she was seeking for my approval to use one of my photos
for a project travel guide - my Tabing Ilog Photo. (photo appears above)
and she needs my feedback within that day...

i was so busy with so many things nowadays...
i was no longer able to check my flickr account...
i was 7 days late to respond to her flickrmail...
i know it was too late but i still sent her the high resolution
of the photo...

and just today, she sent me an sms confirming the receipt of my mail...
but the project was already done... i was late...

i have wasted an opportunity...
it could have been the beginning of something...
something that i could be proud of...
my photo used in a travel magazine...
could have been a good feeling...
i missed it...

anyways, they say another better opportunity will come soon...
it's okay...
at least i know that few people are eyeing on my photos...
regardless of the number of comments...

ms. sol, thanks for the opportunity to communicate with you...
at least it made me feel proud that one of my photos was shortlisted
to be included in your travel magazine..
sorry that i replied too late...
i also hope to work with you in your future projects...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Change Begins with Choice

change has the biggest role in my life...
it has a huge impact on me...
i will not be who i am now if not of change..
and the choice i made...
it though have different results...
could it be positive or the other way...

i remembered a good friend telling me that people change...
that is why that friend is no longer the friend i've known...
yes... that was simply change...
i value people...
i value friends especially the good ones...
it hurts me a lot and it took me years to forget...
but i chose to let go... and that changed me...

to initially assess myself i am who i am now
because i choose to change...
people have told me i am this and i am that...
they become my mirror...
i've heard a lot of negative comments...
yes, i was hurt but i was thankful,
i cried and stood up...
with eagerness to improve somethings in me...
questions coming in...
as well as choices...
usually it's "do i want to be like this?"
or "will i just be someone of no purpose?"
then there were answers and "what ifs"...

i was once a loner...
literally a loner...
i would go to malls alone...
watch movie alone...
because i have this principle...
that friends can never stay by your side "always"..
they have their life too...
as a loner, i even stay at my grandparents' tomb and talk to them...
they were my outlet when i need to cry...
or when life is bitter...
crazy isn't it?
or i read a book there...

but i need to change it...
i thought i was really crazy... (ROTFL)
thank God He gave me time to change...
i've made a lot of thinking...
formulated a lot of choices...
now look at me...
i may not be perfectly happy...
but i love my life now...
because i choose to be happy...
people may not notice because i'm not that flashy...
but man! I AM HAPPY!

change begins with choice...
you make choices...
either you get stagnant?
or will you just let people treat you like that?
or go beyond your comfort zone...
but always remember that when you make choices, there are risks...
consider them...
get the factors that will be affected...
ask yourself which can you handle...

life is the sum total of the choice we made...

CHOOSE TO CHANGE!

Monday, February 1, 2010

goodbye 28, hello 29




wow! look at how time flies so fast!
i wonder what's in store for me at 29...

during my 28,
at these times, i was in a hospital.
not that my mom gave birth to me again.
but i with the whole family was nursing mom.
though she wasn't in an intensive care,
but her life was critical that she almost
left my family and me at 28.

few days after she was discharged from the hospital,
my father, my niece and her mother met a car accident.
went to the site with my sister very early in the morning.
the cab was
good thing was my dad was okay.
he was hugging my bloody niece.
my niece's mom was at the road side,
rescued by the 911.
that was the very first time i took a 911 ambulance.
spent the whole day at the hospital,
shaking while trying to give help.
my sister was crying asnd asked me
why is it happening one after the other.

after few months,
my future was put to risk.
threats were mouthed at me.
body was deteriorating,
lots of illnesses visiting me.
mind was bothered.
fears went gone and anger came in.
i felt pain inside my heart.
criticism came in and out of my ears.

i was just thankful.
despite of everything,
i was able to manage my emotions.
and things went back to its place.

and now,
i am bidding goodbye to the bitterness of 28.

i started the year right with my family,
in preparation to welcome my 29.

hello 29!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

God Always Hears

i blogged about missing the old me..
yeah, just this morning..
and now, i have this feeling...
initially, i am gaining back my old self...

God always listens... that's guaranteed..

i had been bothered with a dispute lately..
not only me but some of my friends..
my mind is always bothered...
i craved for peace of mind lately...
muscles and nerves crumbling...
fear keeps in an on and off mode...
head feels like it's gonna explode...

can't sleep well...
thoughts coming in and out...
i lift everything to GOD..
we lift everything to GOD...
GOD really hears those who cry for help..
In search for truth and justice...

now, it's time for me and the others to packup,
i need to regain energy....
reform myself and face another life's challenge...
another step of challenge...
GOD ALWAYS LISTEN, ALL THE TIME!

missed the old me

badminton... lawn tennis...
walking... jogging...
photo shoots... meeting friends...
watch movies and pampering myself...
at my very own room....

i missed those things...

life has already changed
few years ago.
it changed more this time.
the responsibility is wider.
the risk is greater..

but i learned...

it made me more mature...
and it gave me more outlooks for the future...
it taught me not only to think about myself...

i never had regrets
about having this kind of life.
it helped me a lot to be a better person,
not only for myself but for others.
and i am happy to serve my fellow workers..
what i just wanna say is that i missed the old me...

soon, when everything's over...
i could perhaps go back to at least some old me...
sometimes... with mature thoughts... :)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Rest in Peace, Tita Cory... The Filipinos Love You!


It's been a while since I last wrote something in this blog.
But this woman led me in here to write something that I could
remembered when I was young.

It was weeks ago that I have heard news that Tita Cory was confined at the hospital because she had this colon cancer. And she could no longer eat well. Just Last Saturday, August 1, 2009,as a flickr addict,I went to my flickr group to find out who posted in what thread. While reading the thread topics, I was shocked
to read that Tita Cory's already dead.

Oh yes! I knew her plainly as a former President of this beloved Philippines.
Then, I have known that lots of people mourn for her death. Then I tried
asking myself,what have this woman done in the past when she was the President? Why do people love her that much? Then I started to think what I have remembered
when I was still at my young age.

Then there was a flashback: this woman's husband, Senator Benigno Aquino, Jr. was killed in an airport during the Marcos' Presidency; she became the first female President of this country and Asia's first female President; The Woman in Yellow; she has a big part of the Philippine History. That is then that I have realized her big part in this country's History. I was still 5 years of age during the People Power Revolution. The song Handog ng Pilipino sa Mundo will always be remembered.

Today, the Mother of Democracy, will be burried at the Manila Memorial Park in ParaƱaque. May her soul rest in Peace...

To the former President Corazon Aquino, I and the Filipino people love you. You will always remain in our hearts. Thank you for loving this country and the people as well. You will always be remembered, Tita.



'Di na 'ko papayag mawala ka muli.
'Di na 'ko papayag na muli mabawi,
Ating kalayaan kay tagal natin mithi.
'Di na papayagang mabawi muli.

Magkakapit-bisig libo-libong tao.
Kay sarap palang maging Pilipino.
Sama-sama iisa ang adhikain.
Kelan man 'di na paalipin.

Ref:
Handog ng Pilipino sa mundo,
Mapayapang paraang pagbabago.
Katotohanan, kalayaan, katarungan
Ay kayang makamit na walang dahas.
Basta't magkaisa tayong lahat.

Masdan ang nagaganap sa aming bayan.
Nagkasama ng mahirap at mayaman.
Kapit-bisig madre, pari, at sundalo.
Naging Langit itong bahagi ng mundo.

Huwag muling payagang umiral ang dilim.
Tinig ng bawat tao'y bigyan ng pansin.
Magkakapatid lahat sa Panginoon.
Ito'y lagi nating tatandaan.
(repeat refrain two times)

Coda:
Mapayapang paraang pagbabago.
Katotohanan, kalayaan, katarungan.
Ay kayang makamit na walang dahas.
Basta't magkaisa tayong lahat!

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