Saturday, May 15, 2010

am i really okay? will i be perfectly okay? until when?

i had been into sleepless nights the past days.
maybe because i was really scared.
good thing that i could still control my temper...
but am i really okay?

i don't really struggle.
but few months ago,
i don't feel comfortable.
i have done lots of thinking.
from other petty but many problems
to reminding myself to take my pill
to marking my calendar of when to do what to who.

last 4 months ago, February,
i was advised for an ultrasound by my gynecologist.
the result wasn't good.
i was diagnosed to have a cyst of 7.3cm in my left adnexal.
my gynecologist gave me a 5-day pills
to make me have my period
since i didn't have had it for like almost 8 months prior to my checkup.
it might help reduce the size.

after my period, i've had my 2nd ultrasound.
i went back to my gyne and the result doesn't who good.
the size was still the same.
so i was given a medication for 3 months.
i religiously took the pills.
i was like crazy reminding myself everyday
not to forget taking the drug.

3 months was over.
i have conquered my everyday memory challenge.
i perfectly finished my 3 months medication.

yesterday, i went back to the clinic for my 3rd ultrasound.
i was happy because the left adnexal was already clear.
but another different type of cyst was seen in my right ovary.
what the heck!
i thought it's gonna be over
and here comes another one in my left ovary?
benign though but scary again....
my gyne told me it's a different one..
if before it's non-echoic,now, it's echoic.
she gave me a 10-day pills to start on the 25th
and will be back for my 4th ultrasound next month.
she said if the meds doesn't work,
it's going to be a little bit unsafe.

i just have to cross my fingers again...
and pray...
whatever His plan is, i will take it.
i won't ask Him, why me.

please help me pray....


writing notes is my way of releasing the pressures
and tensions that i feel inside me. my way of expression.
i don't need comments that could add to what i am
feeling right now. so, if you can't say something nice,
just don't comment.

Friday, May 7, 2010

early morning thoughts

what am i doing in this dark room?
i could have been sleeping still,
wake up and prepare for work.
but why am i awake so early?
what have i been doing few hours ago?
why can't i sleep that long?
like others who can't even be awakened easily...

what i feel now?
i don't know...
it's like i am bombarded with so many thoughts...
if i only have days to live, what should i do?
will i ever see those people i wanna see?
will i ever be able to thank those people who have been a part of my life?
will i ever have the chance to thank those who prayed for me?
will i ever make it - ask pardon to those i have hurt so much?
will i ever have enough time to let some people know they've hurt me?
will i ever have the chance to see those people
that i have only met online?
will i ever have the chance to shoot in anawangin
with my fellas?
will i ever have the courage to tell few people that i care for them so much
and that i couldn't just show it?
how about spending some time alone with God?
will i ever let people see what i truly feel?
and what they see is just me, physically?
that they need to dig deeper so that
they will know who i am for real?
that i am human and has the right to get mad...
that i have a heart that is capable to love?
that i also hurt?
that there is still good in me?
that when i commit mistakes,
i asked pardon in silence?

aren't those heavy?
anyways, i don't wanna ba dramatic...
i'll try to do some of those one at a time...
while i am still capable and still have time...
life is short...

oh.. will i ever let my readers know how i feel
while writing this note?

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