RANDOM THOUGHTS

life has changed after my surgery...
i have realized more its importance...
if i have made the most of life before,
i work double time now to make the most of it...

i have started looking for few people in my past...
i have looked for those that i've hurt and asked sorry...
i have looked for those who have made my past colorful and thanked them...

just the other night,
i've heard about my high school bestfriend through his sister...
sad to know he's been experiencing a lot of pain...
how i wish i could help him...
i'm happy though because he's in his way of getting up to move on...

of course, i won't be able to perfect this second life...
i am just human...
but i will do my best to be happy with what i have around me...
i may not perfect my relationship with people...
but i am avoiding trouble and be silent...

it's been more than 2 months since my surgery...
i could still recall what i told God at the operating room...
i told Him i will no longer ignore Him...
if He would put me to test, i will never ask why me.
that i would appreciate even every little thing that's happening to me...
that i would touch the heart of a few...

i am always praying that He will enlighten me everyday...
ALL WILL BE WELL in HIS NAME...

Bye Bye Paratubal Cyst

it was june 8, 2010 when i've had my longest and painful tests..,
it was on the same day,
my doctor said that i have to undergo an exploratory laparotomy operation...
that i should be ready as early as possible...
that when i'm ready, i need to comply several lab tests for clearance...
i was scared...
we sought for a second opinion from an ob-gyne friend...
her opinion is the same...
i was scared more...
it took me 9 days to decide...
so i complied the required lab tests on the 17th...
and i was scheduled for general surgery on the 23rd...

i could still remember how anxious i was days before the operation..
i always have a bad temper...
there'd be times people can't talk to me...
i always am into deep thinking...
even before i was sedated...

see how time flies so fast...
it's already a month since i was operated ...
today indeed is the 1st month...
the pain is still there but there's a relief...
a relief that there's no more cyst inside me...
that there's no more pill to take everyday...
no more ultrasounds every 5th day of my period...
no more anxiety...
it's gone... my paratubal cyst is gone...

since it's already a month that passed,
let me share my experience...

june 22.2010.
as ordered by the doctor to be admitted between 2:00-3:00 pm,
i was admitted at around 2:34pm, accompanied by my mother.
at past 4:00pm, the nurse gave me 4 tabs of laxative (dulcolax)...
the medicine effected past 9:00pm...
doctors came with so many questions...
the asst. of the anesthesiologist paid a visit...
explaining everything...

june 23.2010.
i woke up early with mixed emotions (3:00am)...
there was an uneasy feeling...
i saw mom prayed,i grabbed the rosary given by a friend and prayed...
i took a bath at past 4:00am...
mom was still praying...
at past 5:00am, the nurse came and gave me fleet enema...
then before i was pushed to the operating room,
the nurse injected something in my right arm to relax my muscle...
and then i was transferred to the stretcher and was pushed to the operating room...
i was so uneasy at the operating room...
different kinds of apparatus were attached to me...
i asked the nurse so many questions...
and i kept looking at the monitor's clock...
7:50 something, the anesthesiologist came...
he injected the first dose of sedative to make me sleep...
then they let me position just like a baby in the womb...
he last thing i remembered was the injection of the 2nd dose of sedative in my IV...

(to be continued)

FEW THINGS ABOUT ME

here comes my early morning thoughts.... again...

it's been a while since i wrote a note...
i remembered the last time i wrote a note...
the "early morning thought..."
that was something that described my fear...
and at the same time, asked myself so many questions....

i am an insomniac... at different times...
it could either be before sleep, after sleep...
or when i sleep early, i have this insomnia between sleeps..

i slept early because i have this unusual headache...
look at me now... i am wide awake...
i need only need 3-5 hours of sleep and i'm good...

and now i am thinking....
i have asked this question to myself before...
"do i know myself better?"
and i guess i have to list a few that i could mention...

1) I VALUE TIME.
time is very important to me..
i value other people's time as well as mine.
i am almost always on time in my appointments...
my body clock is helping me...
i wake up earlier than my alarm clock... :)
if ever i will be late, i give early notice...

2) I HAVE MORE TIME AT WORK/ WITH FRIENDS/ALONE
THAN MY FAMILY.
yes, i know i should do the opposite.
but our situation is really hard...
my parents are in the province...
i live with my siblings but we use time differently...
i could only give my full time to my family when i'm at the province..
or perhaps on special occasions....

3) I WATCH MOVIE ALONE.
weird it may be, but yes i watch movie alone... most of the time...
sometimes because i want to give time alone with myself and for myself...
and because i know friends can't go with me all the time...
they have their life... i am just a tiny part of it...

4) I AM NOT A VILLAGE CHIEFTAIN'S DAUGHTER.
i remembered i was called by one of my superiors at work...
he asked me who i really am...
i was confused about his broad question
i answered him that "i am just who i am, sir"...
then he asked me if i am a village chieftain's daughter...
and i said no ... and discovered someone's kidded him...

5) I DON'T GO TO MASS REGULARLY BUT I AM A BELIEVER OF GOD.
i don't want to stress things out here..
because i know, as God believer, i should hear mass regularly...
and i don't go with people who are non-believers of God...

6) I SLEEP ONLY 3-5 HOURS A DAY.
my body clock is sensitive and active...
if i sleep early, i wake up early...
just like last night, i sleep at almost 9:00pm..
i woke up before 2:00am this morning...
i did some stuffs before writing this note...
and still here i am typing... :)

7) I CAN EASILY GET ALONG/MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE.
it all started during my sophomore in high school..
i was sent to a conference in manila with other 3 delegates..
i have made friends with students from different schools in the Phils.
until now, i still have communications with some of them...
one has even become the wife of someone who's working with me in same company...

8) I VALUE PEOPLE BUT I LOVE FREEDOM.
i remember i have few people i valued the most years back...
i always hang out with them...
i didn't realize my world was already confined to them...
i could no longer extend my network of people...
i have struggled so much at those times...
that i have to choose between freedom and those valued people...
i ended up choosing freedom...
i value friends and people
but please allow me to extend my network of friends...

9) I VALUE MY FAMILY'S TRUST.
i know my parents as well as my siblings trust me ...
that is why i can do everything i wan to do...
i don't want to fail them...
i don't want to break their trust in me..
the trust i had built since childhood...

10) I WAS WEIRD AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM STILL.
i was once a loner...
someone with low self-esteem...
i don't know if it's weird but for me, it is...
i am always alone...
far from the crowd...
when i want to give myself a break and get some fresh air,
or when i am sad and wanted to weep,
i visit my grandparents' wake,
stay there for a while and read books...


i guess you have known me a little better now... ;)
that's all for now..

oooppppssss... one last thing...

11) I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY.
i started eying on good photos 2 years ago...
then i craved to produce good photos myself...
that is why i am into photography this time...
later on realizing that it has helped me a lot...
in so many ways...
it boost up my self confidence,
gave me tons of friends (online & real)..
showcases my capabilities to discover the artist in me..

finally, i'm done hehehehe... but there are more to know
about me...

come and get me... LMAO ..... ;-)

am i really okay? will i be perfectly okay? until when?

i had been into sleepless nights the past days.
maybe because i was really scared.
good thing that i could still control my temper...
but am i really okay?

i don't really struggle.
but few months ago,
i don't feel comfortable.
i have done lots of thinking.
from other petty but many problems
to reminding myself to take my pill
to marking my calendar of when to do what to who.

last 4 months ago, February,
i was advised for an ultrasound by my gynecologist.
the result wasn't good.
i was diagnosed to have a cyst of 7.3cm in my left adnexal.
my gynecologist gave me a 5-day pills
to make me have my period
since i didn't have had it for like almost 8 months prior to my checkup.
it might help reduce the size.

after my period, i've had my 2nd ultrasound.
i went back to my gyne and the result doesn't who good.
the size was still the same.
so i was given a medication for 3 months.
i religiously took the pills.
i was like crazy reminding myself everyday
not to forget taking the drug.

3 months was over.
i have conquered my everyday memory challenge.
i perfectly finished my 3 months medication.

yesterday, i went back to the clinic for my 3rd ultrasound.
i was happy because the left adnexal was already clear.
but another different type of cyst was seen in my right ovary.
what the heck!
i thought it's gonna be over
and here comes another one in my left ovary?
benign though but scary again....
my gyne told me it's a different one..
if before it's non-echoic,now, it's echoic.
she gave me a 10-day pills to start on the 25th
and will be back for my 4th ultrasound next month.
she said if the meds doesn't work,
it's going to be a little bit unsafe.

i just have to cross my fingers again...
and pray...
whatever His plan is, i will take it.
i won't ask Him, why me.

please help me pray....


TO THE READERS:

writing notes is my way of releasing the pressures
and tensions that i feel inside me. my way of expression.
i don't need comments that could add to what i am
feeling right now. so, if you can't say something nice,
just don't comment.

early morning thoughts

what am i doing in this dark room?
i could have been sleeping still,
wake up and prepare for work.
but why am i awake so early?
what have i been doing few hours ago?
why can't i sleep that long?
like others who can't even be awakened easily...

what i feel now?
i don't know...
it's like i am bombarded with so many thoughts...
if i only have days to live, what should i do?
will i ever see those people i wanna see?
will i ever be able to thank those people who have been a part of my life?
will i ever have the chance to thank those who prayed for me?
will i ever make it - ask pardon to those i have hurt so much?
will i ever have enough time to let some people know they've hurt me?
will i ever have the chance to see those people
that i have only met online?
will i ever have the chance to shoot in anawangin
with my fellas?
will i ever have the courage to tell few people that i care for them so much
and that i couldn't just show it?
how about spending some time alone with God?
will i ever let people see what i truly feel?
and what they see is just me, physically?
that they need to dig deeper so that
they will know who i am for real?
that i am human and has the right to get mad...
that i have a heart that is capable to love?
that i also hurt?
that there is still good in me?
that when i commit mistakes,
i asked pardon in silence?

aren't those heavy?
anyways, i don't wanna ba dramatic...
i'll try to do some of those one at a time...
while i am still capable and still have time...
life is short...

oh.. will i ever let my readers know how i feel
while writing this note?

i was happy until i found love

i speak in behalf of someone i know...

i know a lot will react on this...
but i am just a soul who feels the other way...
it's how i feel and this is my way of relief...
you might say i don't have the right to discuss love...
or you might ask what do i know about love?

in the dictionary,
love is strong positive emotion of regard and affection...
but for me love = pain...
God have loved...
isn't it painful to let your His Son suffer because He loved us?
where is that positive emotion then?
or maybe love should really be matched with pain...

years ago-
i was happy...
i was contented...
i got along with people easily...
i always smile...
i had a light heart...
i was free...
when i fell in love-
it was a disaster...
i felt pain before i have realized it was love...
funny isn't it?
it was expressed but it wasn't meant to be...
and i have realized letting go isn't that easy...
the bitterness and pain stayed for a while...
until after more than a year...

i have totally recovered...
i have realized love isn't just from someone...
then i started recognizing the love of friends and family...
i went back to enjoying life...
how nice it is to live freely?
no asking permission from someone...
no one tells you what to do...
nobody's waiting...
no worries....
i have done everything i wanted to do...

until i found love the the second time...
i started appreciating it...
i started to like the feeling of loving...
when it suddenly broke me apart...
it was a sudden...
now, it leaves me wounds...

then i told myself...
I WAS HAPPY UNTIL I FOUND LOVE...

is love really like that?
or like what a friend is saying,
i was just looking at the other side of the coin?

--------------------------
to those who love, keep loving...
to those who have love and lost it,
let go and move on...
maybe it's not yet at the right timing...
life doesn't end when love ends... :)
cheerup!

Untitled

everyone of us has a gift...
have you ever realized that?
what uncommon gift do you have?
i have always wanted to have the gift of healing...
healing some people's pains..
some people's wounds...

one day, i felt so alive!
went to work with a light heart...
i didn't expect i would be of help to someone...
see? when you feel you are light-hearted...
it's just like things are coming out of your human brain...
advices, comforting words and others...
experience not needed...
i thought i couldn't handle it...

i was doing something...
when a pregnant friend messaged me...
i never considered her as a disturbance...
rather, i took her as a challenge...

i rarely spend time with this friend of mine...
but every time we talk, it's so serious and
i just like it the way it is...
we have so much learning from each other...

she was asking me few things...
few things about the way she feels...
or why is she always wantng to be aloof...
i have a little bit idea of it though...
but i wasn't sure... i was only 60% sure...
i told her it might be because of her pregnancy...
i was talking to her about hormones...
i always visit my gynecologist...
that is why i have a little background about hormones & moods...
then i made a quick search on the internet...
i was right... though my intention is only to make her at ease...

i always felt blessed when people finds comfort in me...
i could learn from them...
even if i can't help them with solutions...
but spending time with them in bitter times...
and lending them my ears and my shoulders are enough..

it doesn't really mean
that if you don't have ideas about the problem
you can't help or comfort someone...
most of the times, they don't need words from you...
they don't need advices...
just listen to them...
hear them...
that is all they wanted...

but when they really wanted you to say something,
and you don't have any idea...
try to find comforting words...
don't add to the pain they're feeling...

Wasted Opportunity

opportunities come rarely to someone...
an opportunity knocked at my door...
but i was so busy to open at least my window
to have welcomed it...

few days ago this month,
the sidetrip magazine editor in chief sent me a flickrmail:
she was seeking for my approval to use one of my photos
for a project travel guide - my Tabing Ilog Photo. (photo appears above)
and she needs my feedback within that day...

i was so busy with so many things nowadays...
i was no longer able to check my flickr account...
i was 7 days late to respond to her flickrmail...
i know it was too late but i still sent her the high resolution
of the photo...

and just today, she sent me an sms confirming the receipt of my mail...
but the project was already done... i was late...

i have wasted an opportunity...
it could have been the beginning of something...
something that i could be proud of...
my photo used in a travel magazine...
could have been a good feeling...
i missed it...

anyways, they say another better opportunity will come soon...
it's okay...
at least i know that few people are eyeing on my photos...
regardless of the number of comments...

ms. sol, thanks for the opportunity to communicate with you...
at least it made me feel proud that one of my photos was shortlisted
to be included in your travel magazine..
sorry that i replied too late...
i also hope to work with you in your future projects...

Change Begins with Choice

change has the biggest role in my life...
it has a huge impact on me...
i will not be who i am now if not of change..
and the choice i made...
it though have different results...
could it be positive or the other way...

i remembered a good friend telling me that people change...
that is why that friend is no longer the friend i've known...
yes... that was simply change...
i value people...
i value friends especially the good ones...
it hurts me a lot and it took me years to forget...
but i chose to let go... and that changed me...

to initially assess myself i am who i am now
because i choose to change...
people have told me i am this and i am that...
they become my mirror...
i've heard a lot of negative comments...
yes, i was hurt but i was thankful,
i cried and stood up...
with eagerness to improve somethings in me...
questions coming in...
as well as choices...
usually it's "do i want to be like this?"
or "will i just be someone of no purpose?"
then there were answers and "what ifs"...

i was once a loner...
literally a loner...
i would go to malls alone...
watch movie alone...
because i have this principle...
that friends can never stay by your side "always"..
they have their life too...
as a loner, i even stay at my grandparents' tomb and talk to them...
they were my outlet when i need to cry...
or when life is bitter...
crazy isn't it?
or i read a book there...

but i need to change it...
i thought i was really crazy... (ROTFL)
thank God He gave me time to change...
i've made a lot of thinking...
formulated a lot of choices...
now look at me...
i may not be perfectly happy...
but i love my life now...
because i choose to be happy...
people may not notice because i'm not that flashy...
but man! I AM HAPPY!

change begins with choice...
you make choices...
either you get stagnant?
or will you just let people treat you like that?
or go beyond your comfort zone...
but always remember that when you make choices, there are risks...
consider them...
get the factors that will be affected...
ask yourself which can you handle...

life is the sum total of the choice we made...

CHOOSE TO CHANGE!

goodbye 28, hello 29

wow! look at how time flies so fast!
i wonder what's in store for me at 29...

during my 28,
at these times, i was in a hospital.
not that my mom gave birth to me again.
but i with the whole family was nursing mom.
though she wasn't in an intensive care,
but her life was critical that she almost
left my family and me at 28.

few days after she was discharged from the hospital,
my father, my niece and her mother met a car accident.
went to the site with my sister very early in the morning.
the cab was
good thing was my dad was okay.
he was hugging my bloody niece.
my niece's mom was at the road side,
rescued by the 911.
that was the very first time i took a 911 ambulance.
spent the whole day at the hospital,
shaking while trying to give help.
my sister was crying asnd asked me
why is it happening one after the other.

after few months,
my future was put to risk.
threats were mouthed at me.
body was deteriorating,
lots of illnesses visiting me.
mind was bothered.
fears went gone and anger came in.
i felt pain inside my heart.
criticism came in and out of my ears.

i was just thankful.
despite of everything,
i was able to manage my emotions.
and things went back to its place.

and now,
i am bidding goodbye to the bitterness of 28.

i started the year right with my family,
in preparation to welcome my 29.

hello 29!