Be Watchful of Your Words...

Have you ever been insulted,
Or have you lost your self esteem,
Or been discouraged about what somebody
have said against you?

My dear friends,
words are just words.
But it's power gives greater pain
than being shot by a gun.
You may not agree but that's how I see it.

Words can be very painful that they
could leave scars that could affect your life
and carry it throughout the years.

I was hit by painful words.
Yes, once, twice and even thousand times.
But it's okay because I could handle things.
How about those the weak?

I know there were times that I've been harsh.
When my mouth utters words that are possibly painful.
But after each harshness were realizations
that what I did was wrong.
That it could cause someone to lose his/her confidence
that could of course affect his future.

Words could have different impact on someone.
They are powerful.
There are inspirational, there are killers.
They can kill someone who is not strong enough
to look at the other side of it.
On the other hand, they could inspire
someone to be successful.

I had been stoned by words a thousand times...
and a thousand times I lost my trust in myself...
after a few downfalls, I have stood up a thousand and one times...
those words became my foundation of who I am now...

It all taught me not to be too much attached to anyone...

My Wish Right Now

while i was walking home,
i looked at the sky.
the sky is cloud-free.
yes, it is!
i could see the stars clearly,
shining so freely and brightly.
the moon is almost full in shape.

wow! i miss those star gazing moments...
at dawn with my father way back my province days...
at night with my neighbors during blackouts,
still way back province nights...
at the roof of my neighbor during college days...
at the roof of the house where i'm at now,
that was when i was still new here...
at the beach with my officemates,
that was during the christmas party two years ago,
while we're having our midnight swimming...
at hilltop celebrating pia's birthday until 12 midnight...
oh! how could i forget those star gazing moments!
waiting and counting falling stars...

how i wish i could just rush at hilltop right now,
of course with friends talking about nonsense...
or talk about serious thing in life.

that's my wish right now...

If Only

It's too late...
Did it ever happen to you?

The after realizing the chances wasted,
the words "IF ONLY" come out...
And there's no more second chances.
I'm pretty sure it happened to you...

I have just watched this movie, IF ONLY...
A man who loves his woman but he's too busy
that he couldn't find time to show it.

When one day, his woman got involved in a terrible accident and died...
Fate miraculously intervened and gave the man a second chance...

I have tons of IF ONLYs in my entire life...
It's like I can't get over from something or someone...
Which leaves me the questions of What Ifs...

If that happens to you, what would you do?
If you're given second chances,
What will you do?

For some years ago until now,
I take most of the opportunities the world has offered me...
I appreciate everything I have...
I give time to anyone who asks for my time...
I appreciate every single second, every minute, every day...
Whether alone or with someone...
When I have nothing to do,
I give myself time walking alone somewhere,
enjoying every happenings within the surroundings...

Life is short...
We don't know if there'd be second chances...
Enjoy every minute of it...
Grab every opportunity of second chances...
For when death takes place,
There'd be no more chances for IF ONLYs....

If today is your last day to live, how will you spend it?

It Just Happened

i was waiting for my turn to throw the balls at a duck pin tourney...
i was just staring at the "not so shiny" bowling lane...
thoughts empty, eyes barely blink, body barely move...

when suddenly...

at a blink of my eyes i saw this guy...
tall, dark and i don't know if he's really handsome...
i think he's in mid-30s but he looks mature...
hah! i caught myself staring at him...
he's like throwing the balls in a slow motion...

and i told myself - it's him...
it's like him that i wanted...
i don't know if i would ever see him again...
but i have already figured out clearly who I wanted...
not specific but at least i know that i wanted someone like him...
i don't know him but i like the way he carries himself...

that kind of guy will really change me for sure...
oh, i might just be dreaming...
maybe i'm just hungry...
i would better hit the sheets now...
and dream of my guy... hahahaha

i just saw him... it just happened...

good morning!

Unsettled Soul

i am speaking in behalf of this unsettled soul,
housing in a human's body...

i am happy and at the same time in pain...

happy because ...
i am in a place i can now call "HOME."
i was able to spend time with the people i love.
i was able to fix a few hang-ups i've had with few people.
i have already found one of the few that i have lost...

now, i am happy but still there are missing pieces...
there are still hang-ups that this soul wants to settle...

this soul have tried to to reach out to someone...
someone who'd been a part of her past...
trying to do anything to reach out...
done what part to be done...
yet it seems it's never enough...

this soul will remain unsettled...
until the plead to speak with you is granted...

early morning thoughts

what am i doing in this dark room?
i could have been sleeping still,
wake up and prepare for work.
but why am i awake so early?
what have i been doing few hours ago?
why can't i sleep that long?
like others who can't even be awakened easily...

what i feel now?
i don't know...
it's like i am bombarded with so many thoughts...
if i only have days to live, what should i do?
will i ever see those people i wanna see?
will i ever be able to thank those people who have been a part of my life?
will i ever have the chance to thank those who prayed for me?
will i ever make it - ask pardon to those i have hurt so much?
will i ever have enough time to let some people know they've hurt me?
will i ever have the chance to see those people
that i have only met online?
will i ever have the chance to shoot in anawangin
with my fellas?
will i ever have the courage to tell few people that i care for them so much
and that i couldn't just show it?
how about spending some time alone with God?
will i ever let people see what i truly feel?
and what they see is just me, physically?
that they need to dig deeper so that
they will know who i am for real?
that i am human and has the right to get mad...
that i have a heart that is capable to love?
that i also hurt?
that there is still good in me?
that when i commit mistakes,
i asked pardon in silence?

aren't those heavy?
anyways, i don't wanna ba dramatic...
i'll try to do some of those one at a time...
while i am still capable and still have time...
life is short...

oh.. will i ever let my readers know how i feel
while writing this note?

Despite of What Had Happened, I Still Thank God

The beginning of February was not good for me and my family. It gave us a lot of drama.

Just before February hit the calendar, January 29, 2009, Thursday, my mom, my dad and my niece traveled 7 hours to be here on my birthday which falls every 1st day of February. They planned to come early because they wanted to have their selves checked up by Friday.

When I reached home at around 9.00pm of January 29, my mom opened the door for me. Then she went back to her bed but she was just sitting. She couldn't sleep. She's having a difficulty to breathe. She told me she's just okay. But before midnight, my dad called my sister and I went out of my room telling everyone to prepare because we're bringing mom to the hospital. We made it. Mom was rescued. She was given an oxygen and tests were done. She was diagnosed with pneumonia and the doctor found out she's developed an asthma. Things became complicated. Her blood pressure and her sugar count were fluctuating. She took a lot of medicines plus the injectable ones. She's being injected with insulin every time her sugar count reaches 200 and above. I could really see mom fighting to live. I became hopeful when my sister messaged me that mom is no longer oxygen dependent. I was even afraid to stay overnight at the hospital but I really have to because no one's going to take care of her since everybody's also working. I've spent my birthday at the hospital taking care of my mom. With God's grace & mercy, mom was discharged from the hospital at the 6th day, February 5, 2009. That was Thursday.

Things have changed after days. I go home early every after office hours. I want to stay home because it's very rare that the whole family's gathered home.

Sunday morning, February 8, 2009 before 5.00am, dad and my niece with her mother hit the road going back to Baganga. Mom was left home to fully recover. I went back to sleep when my phone rang. It was my dad in his shaky voice telling me they had an accident. He asked me to go to the site. I hurriedly changed my clothes & asked my sister to accompany me. We left brother to take care of mom. I really couldn't understand the feeling. I am very much worried because we also need to keep mom calm and we're attending to victims at site.

When sister & I reached the site, I saw dad. Thank God he's okay. I looked at my niece and saw her with blood on her face & clothes. I gave her a hug while my eyes looked for her mom. I saw her mom lying at the side of the road while 911 tried to bandage her fractured arm.

Riding in a two 911 mobile we rushed them to the nearest hospital. My sister accompanied my niece & I accompanied her mom at the other mobile. Tests were made & both of them temporarily accommodated at the infirmary. Thank God both were conscious.

After buying the necessary materials & meds, I started to realize that I have conquered my fear for awhile. The shock is still here. And now, I feel sick. Amidst of what had happened, there are still things to be thankful about. I am really thankful to God because what happened to mom occured 12 hours after they arrived in the city and what happened to my dad & my niece & her mom happened within the city where there's a lot of residents who could help them. I forgot to thank those people but I asked God to send our thanks to them for the help. All happened in the city where help is there - the people, the 911, and rest of my family & friends.

Those days were hard for me and the rest of the family but thank God we all made it. I have seen all the efforts we've exerted. There was team work. I know that was very hard for dad emotionally. Because he was almost a victim of that accident. He took the courage to maneuver the car not to complicate the situation. My siblings & I also took the effort to help each other. I saw my sister's already tired. She's a nurse and she managed to be there always. She's taking care of her patients for 8 hours at the hospital where she works and the rest of her time was spent taking care of our patients(mom, my niece & her mom). God is good that He gave her the stength. I could see she's tired and I know she was also asking God the questions I asked Him, "What happened? Why this happened? From one after the other?" My heart felt pain when I saw my sister crying. I was praying she wouldn't give up. And God gave her strength. Iwould say thank you to my dad, mom, bro, sister for not giving up. Thanks to those who gave their support in prayers and to those who visited.

Those were the stressful days and thank God & Ate Ca for the break last Sunday. I had an unplanned getaway - photo shoot at Marilog, in a private rest house owned by a chinese family who had a business in the city. It's like I'm getting back my smile stolen by worries. I love the place and I feel relieved. Thanks to Mrs. King for being so kind. How I wish I could have a week stay there. Away from the crowded and polluted city.

Above all, thanks to God for being so good!

Lady In Red

Got this fellow commuter beside me today. When she stepped into the PUJ, she caught the eye of everybody. She was wearing a red knitted blouse, her fingernails were painted red, her bag was red and she was wearing a lot of jewelries(ring on her fingers including the butterfly ring, bracelets, necklace & a pair of earings). She took her phone from her bag and 'twas colored red.

I told myself she must have loved red or it's her birthday. Before I stepped off the PUJ, she took a call from her mom, I guess. And my being "chismosa" came out. She even speaking in dabawenya or mandaya (The language I used in our province. I think she's just from a nearby province because we have different accent or say modulation.) She was saying thank you to her caller and told her about the lechon, the butterfly ring, the necklace with the anchor pendant. Then I was quite confident to guess that it's really her birthday.

Why is red significant during birthdays? I remembered few birthdays ago, my friends would say I should wear red. What's with the red on birthdays, anyways?

To the lady in red and to all who have celebrated their birthdays today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Random Thoughts

Evaluating ones self is tough.
Years ago, I always ask myself,"Who am I?"
I have answers but all products of my doubt.
Everything's not clear.
Not even my hobbies & interests.
I could not pick one.
If I could, it's not permanent.
Sort of "I love to sing now but I love dancing next week."
Ano ba talaga?
Pag-sure.. :)

Now, I could see a different me.
Maybe not a total change but better than good.
Maybe not in relationships but how to handle things.

I was quite a worrier.
An introvert after losing a bestfriend.
Someone who loves to think of problems,
But not doing something about it.
I think too much...
I entertain many questions which,
Are not supposed to be asked.
Then I find myself empty.

What changed me, anyways?
It's Stephen Covey.
I am not saying he's better than God.
But he became an instrument.
Two years ago,
The company I worked for sent me & few other employees to a training.
The training was all about self-discovery & becoming effective.
The reference of the training was that guy's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People."
It has a great impact in me.
My thanks to Stephen,
To my employer, Davao Light,
And to the two ladies who facilitated, Mia & Paula.

I have misunderstood life.
The seminar let me realized that life is what we make it.
That life is a choice & not destiny.

I have also ready Stepehen's 90/10 principle.
That's what I've been trying to practice.

After the seminar, when I'm into something,
I always ask myself," Is this what I wanted?"
"Is that what I wanted my life to be?"
"Will I let problems take over me?"
"Would I allow people to ruin my life?"
I always give myself choices.

Few months ago, I challenged myself.
I asked myself what I really wanted to do apart from work.
Then I have different answers.
Is it possible if I choose not only one?
Yes, it is. My choice!
Interests vary every now and then.
Just like when I'm just home - in my room.
I have my computer connected to the internet.
Sometimes I get bored & wanted to do something different.
Then suddenly I find myself grabbing my guitar & play.
Or when I want to release tensions,
I just pull out my dart pins & hit the board.
Or when I'm tired of browsing in the internet,
I work to enhance my skills in post processing photos.
Or I invite a friend to a photo shoot.
At least I am now doing something..
Keeping myself away from boredom..
I always keep myself busy.
I have set in mind that
"An idle mind is a devil's workshop."
And that's really true.

Have a pleasant Saturday, everyone!

Be Flexible

everything in this world changes.
that's a fact that even before was hard for me to understand.
but at least at this point, i've willingly opened my doors to that fact.
that things sometimes don't happen the way you expect them to happen.
that life's journey isn't definite.
that there's a surprising change in route uphill.

i was raised disciplined.
everything has to be in order & planned.
i have now realized that one should be flexible.
because change is just right beside you - wanting to destroy your plans.

after i was discharged from the hospital,
i could no longer make my blog a day.
why? because of a shift.
work started to hunt me... budget time!
when i have time to loosen up,
my interest was no longer into blogging.
(not to mention i have a secret blog).
because i missed niko(my dslr),
i spent mos of my free time with him.
i've met new people who're interested in photography.
we had photo shoots.

now i'm back.
but the question's how often would i make a post?
daily? twice a week? no longer definite.
is it a choice? yes it is!
but i choose not to be certain in everything now.
i choose not to expect too much from myself & from others.
experiences of too much expectation
that led to disappointment are enough to be my teacher.

everything's changing...
be flexible.

I Was Out Today...And It Rained

I was out the whole day today. I left work because I am scheduled to purchase the prizes for a raffle draw on January 25, along with 2 member of the group. It was a tiring day but thank God it's all done!

Then I was out with my officemates to celebrate Karen's birthday... when I hit the road home, it rained... and so, I went wet....

Have to sign off at this point because I have to sleep now. I need to look okay tomorrow. I have a meeting with the president...

Goodnight!

Lycky Number???

Take a look at the figure... I have just noticed that #7 was very much involved from my first day at work in 2009 upto today..

Is this number my lucky number for the year? A lucky year at work? or in general? Well, I hope it is because in the bible 7 is a good number. I just forgot the verse & the chapter. 7 symbolizes eternity in the bible.

Have a great day!

where is amor, anyway?

you might be wondering where the hell i've been the past days...
i just disappeared from everybody's life...

well yes, i've been alone most of the time...
alone not in the sense that i'm away from everybody...
it's just that i have my own world even when everybody's around..
complicated?

well, i guess it's time for me to tell stories about it..
here's what keeps me away from everybody...

1) WORK - i was busy preparing for the 2009 budget for my department. my boss says it was
easy. yes, it was that even a highschool student could do that. the problem is that my
department has a lot of items in many accounts... and explaining it eats a lot of my time. my
offices often teases me that i no longer exist. i was physically there but i was not talking to
them. i'm sorry.. i just don't want to be distracted. it's a critical thing... if i miss one digit or
mistakenly hit the wrong number key(especially for the higher digit), it'll be a mess... i started
working on it 2 months ago. i get the pressure the most when it's almost review time... and i
get the stress when it's not yet over... i mean the whole budget time... until it's final.. i cannot
help thinking if it's already enough or whether my explanation is convincing...

2) PARTIES - it's christmas time... lots of parties... friends', organizations', department's,
company's, and some invitations...

3) PHOTO OPS - still connected with christmas events... i am into photography and lots of places
to shoot. got invitations from different hobbyists like me... few days ago, i've met 3 indios, my
flickr group... then next week, i'd be having a night shoot with few friends who're also into
photography... btw, please visit my flickr photostream...

4) GETAWAYS - since i've been busy, i grab every free time i have... i go somewhere to relax on
weekends or at night with different companies... or sometimes i just brin myself to
coffeeshops..

5) MALLING - the past days was a rush... my officemates and i have to rush to malls for
christmas stuffs... just like other people... for the parties, gifts and etc... i will be out again
tomorrow with my sister... we have to look for a good present for pa & ma...

that's it... i don't know...
i still had other activies which were lighter...
and cold no longer remember...
but the 5 were the main reasons why i have been away for weeks...
definitely, i'd be away again mid next week...
and this time, it'll be relaxing...
fresh air again...
beach...
my old room..
my home...
i'll be home for new year... YES!

My Christmas Wish List

time is tickin' so fast...
it's just like summer yesterday...
now, it's christmas time!

everybody's rushing to the malls...
buying something for someone special..
wait! how about me?
i'd be hitting the malls soon ..
i'm just busy right now...
office stuffs... parties...
phew!~

everybody's having their christmas wish list...
i have mine...

My Wish List:

1) 18-200mm lens for Nikon D40 (Sigma or Nikkor) bwahahahaha
2) Collection of Paulo Coelho's books
3) Stephen Covey's 8th Habit (Effectiveness to Greatness)
4) Chuck Taylor Sneaker (size 7)
5) Happiness in a red box
6) Healing Hand (to heal pains)
7) Peace Dust (that I can pour to a place where there is war)

that's it... What's yours? where's Santa?

Oh, Pa, Ma! it's you! (Huli kayo!) hahahahha

Nothing Impossible When You Have a Good Heart

there's nothing impossible if you have a good heart...
just like everything's possible with God...
for what we do to our brethren is what we do to Him...

i talked to a kababayan last night...
she buzzed me asking me how i am...
we were exchanging news...
we only had a short chat though...

she was asking me what am i planning for christmas...
i just told her that i'd be spending it with my family...
and will spend my new year in our province...

what she was pointing out was...
if i & some friends would still be doing a simple gift giving just like last christmas...
i told her it's no longer definite...
if the fund is enough and if others are still willing...
i can't do it alone...
she wanted to extend some help..

now i get it...
last year, she in her mid 30's & Alex (her husband older than her) did everything to have a baby...
yeah, i remembered she gave support to our gift giving last year...
they're already hopeless that is why they are supporting programs for kids...
and now, she's pregnant and will be due on January...

look...
God gave them a child!
everything's really possible when you have a good heart...
just trust in God...
do good things without asking for return...
and God will provide you anything... only in His time..
just be patient...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

i will be back

life sometimes or always seems to be unpredictable.
it has its twists & turns or ups & downs.

what i wanted to tell you, my dear friends is that...
i won't be able to post something in here for a while...
i am a bit loaded right now...
and every free time i have should be spent to free myself from stress...
i work and i go out after...
there might be times that i'm home early...
but i'm giving myself a break from thinking...
ideas coming out everyday trying to anylize something...
i could no longer reserve some for myself...

but i will be back when my schedules & my work normalizes...
i'm sorry...
i am not saying this blog is dying...
i will just be having rest for a while...
sometime next month or early next year, i will be here again...
but i will still be visitng or even post something in here when i can...

i will be back soon....

who says i'm no more kid?

ala lang. i was just asking myself.
because until now, i could see the child in me...
especially when i'm with my mom...
or sometimes when i'm with my sis...

with the way i was disciplined by my parents,
i would say i became mature at an early age...
i became emotionally independent & responsible for my actions...

i am serious most of the time...
or when i'm working on something...
but who says, there's no more child in me?

well, the truth is that i still have a child in me...
i cry... i laugh... i joke... i play...
i think... i act... i dress...
all of ém like a child...
i still wear sneakers... i love wearing sneakers...
i still play nintendo when i no longer have options to do away with boredom...
i watch tom & jerry or tweety when i really want to laugh...
i talk to my mom like a little girl telling stories about what happened the whole day...
i still go for a walk with my dad like the way we used to do when i was in grade school...
i still fight with my sister just the way we fought when we're kids (we fight and in few minutes we're okay and we just laugh)...
i still fight with my brother and make it last for a day....
i still talk to friends and laugh while tickling each other...
i still have kilig moments with friends & cousins when talking about boys...

now, tell me... is there no more kid in me? LOL

I Feel Safe When I'm in Uniform

i was in a puj passing by the other building of the company where i currently work when a big truck came. honk! honk! it was a company's truck. the people inside - they recognized me. but i don't know their names. we recognized each other as employees of same company. we recognized the spiti of being a kaibigan.

kaibigan - it is how we call every regular employee in the company where i currently work. every employee under probation should undergo the kaibigan team building program. it is a program where one could build trust with the other. there are a lot of activities - the rope course, a trust fall, and other activities that could develop teamwork and bond among strangers.

i feel safe when i'm in uniform because my kaibigans could recognize me. at least my face and the uniform. we recognize each other... i am not afraid to walk alone somewhere in the city (in uniform) because kaibigans are everywhere - inside the workplace or anywhere around the city.

i used to be uncomfortable with my uniform but i realized that one reason i should be proud to wear it is that, it gives me security.

untitled

i'm early but i'm sleepy. i was numb early this morning when i woke up at 3am. i couldn't get myself back to sleep so i braced myself infront of my computer and did some browsing and blogging. until time to prepare for work. ouch! i forgot i only have two hours of sleep. my! i hope i could make it until 5pm at work.

i came to work early but not as early as yesterday. as i've said, i was numb earlier. while i was accessing my computer, i felt something in my thumb. it hurts. i looked at it and oh my! it's a cut but i'm not aware where did i get it. numb earlier... lol

at least am starting to feel now...

I Feel Good

am in at 7:06AM (same as yesterday).

i feel good right now. i hope it's a good start and will last 'till midnight. lol.

despite that i get insomnia between my sleeps, i still managed to wake up early and brought myself to where i am now. well, woke up early because my parents left for the province early.

what else should i say? ehehehe...

hmmm... my night wasn't good. i felt a bit bored with my routine... a bit bored with the internet... i don't know. i didn't find it colorful. why(here's this question again)? well, i don't really know. what i did was playing poker in my facebook. that was all night until my eyes shut. then, every hour or two, i woke up trying to sleep again. gibali-bali na nako akong position. akong ulo naa na sa tiilan while akong tiil naa na sa ulohan nako... bwahahaha... i guess i must really be bothered about something... hay naku!

pero i feel good right now. i just brought a coffee with me para naa ko pang pares sa katulgon... hehehe... i just hope today will be a very very busy day para malingaw ko ug ayo... hehehehe...

start your day right, everyone!